Petersen book review

Why Don't We Listen Better?
Communicating and Connecting in Relationships
By J. Petersen (2007)


Petersen begins his book by creating a visual of where our thoughts and feelings come from and how we communicate based on this visual. He humorously calls it his "Flat-Brain Theory of Emotions." He ascribes our gut-level feelings to the stomach, opinions and openness to the heart, and thoughts and rationalization to the brain. Normally, all three of these areas are active during the communication process. The "flat-brain" becomes an issue when the emotions in the "stomach" become overwhelming, thus pressing up on the heart causing it to become hard, and also adding pressure to the brain. The brain then becomes "flat" i.e. irrational and the normal functions of the eyes and ears are also affected. This visual helps us to understand what is going on inside a person who is acting and speaking irrationally. Knowing that this is a common problem that happens to everyone at times, helps you to give empathy and understanding to a person even when that person may be attacking you. The only way to constructively deal with this person is to let them "vent". By listening effectively without becoming defensive, you allow the person to vent their feelings which reduces the pressure on their "brain" and allows them to return to a more logical frame of mind.

When a flat-brained person attacks you and you immediately start to defend yourself, you will find yourself in a situation that Petersen calls the "flat-brain tango". Both parties become flat-brained which results in escalating emotions and arguments. To avoid the flat-brain tango, Petersen describes a method that he calls the "double-reverse-twist". This requires the listener to focus on the problem underneath the anger of the talker instead of focusing on defending himself against the attack. The listening techniques described later in the book will help to calm the attacker into a state of mind that will then make logical discussion possible.

The primary tool that Petersen uses to improve communication is called the "talker-listener card" (TLC). He goes into great detail on how to use the card as a type of moderator in helping two people to take turns in a conversation so that both parties feel heard and understood. The side of the card facing the talker reminds them to talk about what bothers them most and to own the problem (instead of blaming others). The talkers goals are to share thoughts and feelings without accusing, attacking, labeling or judging. The side of the card facing the listener reminds them to be calm enough to hear and that they don't own the problem. The listener's goals are to provide safety, to understand and to clarify without agreeing, disagreeing, advising or defending.

While practicing this new type of communication style, Petersen warns of common communication traps to avoid. These traps include poor listening while forming your own response, disguising accusations in the form of a question, saying "I understand" instead of leading the person to share their feelings, and saying "Yes, but..." which is a form of arguing.

The remainder of the book focuses on specific listening techniques with plenty of examples of how to use them in your marriage, your job, with your children, friends, family, and in group situations. He goes into depth on special situations such as dealing with death, persistent anger, and fear barriers. Finally, he ends the book with his personal philosophy which is that the character qualities of the listener are more important than specific techniques. The most important qualities are empathy, genuineness, and warmth.

I highly recommend this book for everyone. Most of us learn how to communicate from our family, friends, and television. We get into patterns that may or may not work. But communication experts have spent years exploring the techniques that truly work. Unfortunately, most of us don't use these techniques. We need to educate ourselves and change our habits so that we can be better role models for our children.